Moby Sold His Soul in Hong Kong

Or something like that.

You seen the latest story about bald-headed electronica nancy boy Moby? Apparently, he's decided him and Eminem are all cool and junk because Slim Shady is against Bush and the war in Irag.

Okay, that's fine. Except for the fact the reason Moby started flicking shit at Eminem was because of his misogynistic lyrics about women. Yeah, other than the woman hating and shit apparently Moby think Emininem is a stellar fella' because they agree about something. What a chicken shit.

To me, it'd be like Jesse Jackson holding hands with David Duke because they agree about the homeless situation or something. "Other than the cross burning and hating of African Americans, I respect Mr. Duke because of his views on homeless and we both hate the same thing, cold mac and cheese." I'm not mocking his views on Bush or the war, but I think to go and start kissing someones ass because you both have a common view on something is bullshit. It has nothing to do with politics. It has everything to do with dropping on your knees and giving the guy head just because you so badly want to be his buddy now that you both have something in common. And it has everything to do with the obvious lack of real values. If now all he feels is uncomfortable about Eminem's lyrics, then Moby never took his own stance on the treatment of women very seriously. Must of just been doing it to get laid. You know, come off as the sensitive, artsy guy who cares about junk.

It's just sad to see someone throw away their beliefs over something like that. It's cool to agree with someone, just don't sell your goddammed soul so cheap when you do it.

thursday haiku

under the bleaching
sun the green grass dissipates
the oily black top.

How to be Beautiful

Everyone knows that beautiful people have it easier than rest of us. Inward beauty is so much more important- bullshit. It isn't. And anyone who's told you that is a fucking liar or is trying to sell you something. Face it, would you rather look at an ugly mug all day or a pretty one? We are just as guilty of giving beautiful people their pedistools as they are for sitting on them. So, if you want to get in on the free drinks, easy friendships and glamorous life, follow these easy tips.

1. Surround yourself with people much uglier than yourself.
2. Grow facial hair if you're male. Unless it grows in blotches- you'll just look even uglier than you do now.
3. Grow your hair long if you're female. Unless it grows in really thin or thick and pubic hair like.
4. Find the best looking person in the room and punch them in the nose- hard. Keep doing that until you've obliterated the noses of all people that are better looking than yourself.
5. If you can afford it, get everyone around you drunk. The beer goggles theory works- just hang out at any bar until closing time and you'll see.
6. Go to bars at closing time.

I'm sure there are more methods and tips, but I don't want to tip my hand too much and have all you alls getting in on my sweet peach. Once you're reaping the benefits of being beautiful, you'll never be able to go back. Trust me.

8 seconds

I think it's about time I get out of this biz and take up welding or something. A person has to consider what they do and the area they do it in. Unfortunately, unless I turn big city, I'll always be making pennies. Yet there are always ads in the paper for welders. Considering there's a market for welders now, imagine how much that'll increase when all of this goes away. People will need armor welded to their vehicles and custom fab for protection and intimidation.

Over the past two hundred years it's been a steadily increasing march to the cities. Small towns, which were able to support their surrounding communities, are turning into the bedroom communities that feed the needed work force of large cities. Medium sized burgs aren't able to keep up with larger cities and as a result are losing industries- including this one. The push is to Portland, Seattle or San Francisco. Nice places to visit but real shit holes to live in. Seriously. But of course, I'd say that about any city or town.

So, as evolution dictates, it's adapt or die. Do you adapt to the industry or to your surroundings? And continuing education isn't the answer- it's learn something new or move.

I guess it's just like riding saddle broncs. You have to know when they're going to jump and anticipate it. Don't pull too tight on the rein or you'll pull yourself right off, but you still need to grasp it for balance. And when the ride is over, you have to know how and where to land.

I guess that's the problem with where I'm at. I don't know if the ride is over, if I should be listening for the buzzer and looking for a spot to land.

See! This is the shit I'm talking about!

Seen CNN? This shit is crazy!

NASA is WORSE than a bunch of Hillbillies!!!!

After they take off. What a load of crap. Shouldn't this shit be fixed before hand? I've done shit like that before- but I was dealing with a pickup- not a goddammed space shuttle with a crew of twelve!

Whatever.

NASA is Chock Full o' Hillbillies

And since people often refer to me as one, I ought to know.

All the news about the latest shuttle blast-off thingy (whatever the hell they call it when they launch something into space) seems to revolve around the way NASA has been kind of half-ass repairing this shuttle.

Personally, I get a little nervous when thinking of two monster tanks of jet-fuel powered by something their engineers are scratching their asses and saying, "Ah hell, it should be fine." I've driven many vehicles with non-working gas gauges and lots of fuel leaks. My personal experience is it isn't fine. So we're gonna' get another Columbia repeat. Fucking brilliant.

While NASA people are using bailing wire to hold the hull together (key difference there- hillbillies use bailing wire while rednecks use duct tape) I hope the astronauts are signing their life insurance policies and making everything right with their maker.

Here's to nothing going wrong.

Bailing

When is it time to get out?

Obviously before the crash. We all know it's much better to get out with your pride and life intact. Just knowing when is the problem, no matter which crash you're trying to avoid. And sometimes you just don't know it's too late because you've been too busy playing with the radio or enjoying the scenery out the side window to know where you're headed. Those are the worst. Everything is just fine and then you start to fishtail, get a little sideways and then all of a sudden your lying there, busted up and hurt. And sometimes broke or worse.

Jobs, life, love, horses or cars, crashing is no good. It hurts, it's confusing and sometimes leaves you lost. Sure, occasionally you learn something, but usually there's a heavy cost involved. Unfortunately learning when to bail only comes from making it through a crash.

thursday haiku

shards of shattered glass
shower on the tired masses
on a tired street.

Is layaway available?

Ahhh, yes. There's nothing quite like going to the dentist to make you feel like straight-up white trash.

When you go to the doctor, they usually try and get you to feel healthy and junk. They don't bombard you with a bunch of shit that seems questionably unnecessary and usually your insurance (assuming you have insurance) covers enough of it so you either have an affordable co-pay or you get a bill. Plus, the only time they show you pictures of stuff it's usually done by x-ray or, if needed, they stick a camera up your ass looking for polyps. But it's all in the interest of preserving your life so you go along with it. These people are trying to get you stick around longer.

Dentists are fine people. Afterall, who else would stick their hands in the filthy cesspool we call the mouth? Mouths are fucking disgusting. And if you get someone who chews or smokes- really fucking disgusting. That's probably why they charge the piss out of you.

Anyways, last time I was at the dentist, it was because I needed to have a sore tooth looked at. When you think of someone with tooth pain or bad teeth, you usually think of some methed-out trailer groom that loves Tuesdays. So, in I go with my mouth all in pain. The dentist checks out my mouth and says in the nicest voice that everything looks good. Well, except for the half dozen problem areas. I have cracked teeth, broken fillings and some other sorts of crazy shit that ought not happen to teeth but did. But in my immediate future, I needed a crown on a molar where an old silver filling broke and got some decay. Yep, my mouth is rotten.

Now here's where I feel like a frickin' Okie. I go to pay whatever I have to pay and find out what the damage will be to my checkbook. Since my dental insurance doesn't like cover a whole helluva' lot, it's a pretty big dent. Let's put it this way, they asked me if I wanted to finance my tooth. Finance a fucking tooth! I have this damn tooth in my mouth that's worth more than the car I drive! Can I pawn it if I get in a bad spot?

Well, turns out my tooth also costs as much as it would of to add on to the deck. So I can eat, we have no deck. It's pretty sad when you have to choose between having a place to BBQ, buying a new car and having something in your mouth to help you chew. But I guess there are people who have it a whole helluva' lot worse than me.

thursday haiku

when life gives you shit
do like the angry monkey-
fling it at someone.

So where is this headed?

Last night I finally turned on regular broadcast tv to see what was going on and quickly remembered why I hate network television. It's boing. It sucks. And it's just more tried and true formulas for getting advertiser dollars and eyeballs.

But I digress. One of the programs I came across was the INXS/American Idol/Replace MH contest they're televising. When I heard about it, my initial reaction was that I found it odd these guys would use a TV show to replace one of their old friends. But the hell do I know? Maybe after one outrageous coke binge they decided they weren't all amigos anymore. Plus, one of my dirty little secrets was I enjoy the piss out of American Idol and this promised to be Idol with a helluva' lot better music.

The music was good. The backup band, IMO, kicks ass. But the contestants . . . . not so much. Honestly, they reminded me of the artsy-fartsy rock star wanna-bes you'd run across on any college campus across the US. They danced around like high schoolers trying to show how they didn't care what the world thought of them while keeping an eye on that world. There were some good vocals, but honestly I'd of preferred the nights karoking at the Red Lion to this shit. At least those people know they're going back to work the next days and do sperm-inspired hand dances while crooning "Heart Shaped Box".

Even more annoying was INXS (I expect a tongue lashing for this from Den!) and Dave Navarro. First, INXS. These guys are going to have to tour with whomever they wind up picking in this competition. The least you could do is deal them a little helpful criticism. Seriously. It'd help you get the front person you're looking for. And some these people really sucked and you needed to tell them so.

But Dave Navarro? What the hell? One of the more respected guitar players in modern rock and all he comments on is their fucking outfits! And what was up with the evil eye hand gesture followed by the cross thingy? WTF? DaveyDave came off as being about as intelligent as one of the groupies he's boffing when girly-girl is passed out in Dennis Rodman's bathtub. And a little less make up next time. To his defense though, none of these people were playing, only dancing around like spastic 7th graders and singing.

While all of this disappointing, what's disturbing is the show itself and what it says about modern society. Are we all really beginning to run our lives by polls and viewers votes? I mean, democracy is great and all, but whatever happened to just talented people getting together and working their asses off (I know someone here knows what I'm saying) and letting the public decide with their dollars? Are we becoming so afraid of failure that we want our pop idols and "rock stars" chosen by people with a dollar and time to waste making a phone call? Is the future going to consist of entertainment by ballot?

I know this is just one show as well as one band. But if it's successful, the whole reality TV will bend our reality to the whims of people taking more time to dial a phone number than they are willing to read a voter's pamphlet. Besides, wasn't INXS from Australia? Are the Aussies, Canadians and Brits voting as well? God I hope not. It's bad enough this is in the US. And if they are going to shit like this, at least they could have the balls to give these people the truth about their performances.

PS- Dave, Prince does that look a lot more convicingly than you do, BTW.

speaking of dawgs . . . .

Well, not you all but dogs in general. You know how there are some people you like but when you're trying to get shit done they're the last people you want around? You know, they're smart and fun and likeable, but pretty much fucking worthless when you're trying to do stuff. That's my dog, Raleigh.

I love him to death, but Raleigh is about as useful as a nipple on your dick. Seriously. He's one of the neatest animals I've ever been around and he's so in tune to us it's scary sometimes. When you look in his big brown eyes you can tell there's more going on than in most dogs' heads and the way he gets all wiggly when we get home is adorable. He's a mutt, but he's so cute with his blocky little body and soft, black and white coat.

But when you're trying to do something, like getting horses in, he's no fucking help. And it's not much of a surprise since he's not a herding dog like our Corgi, Cali. He has not a herding bone or instinct in his body, which is half bulldog and half Springer Spaniel.

However, he loves to help. And he loves to run around and bark at the horses. And then get the horses pissed off so they try stomping on him. And since he's scared, he runs and hides behind us with the horses just steps from smashing his ass. Raleigh, while trying to help, will stand in the way of the gate we're trying to get them to go through, barking and biting at them the whole damn time and then chase them to the far corner of the pasture. A job that would take 5 minutes tops ends up turning into a 20 minute adventure involving blackberry brambles and cursing.

Raleigh does have his good points. When given the opportunity he'd much rather shit anywhere but in the yard. And hair covers his asshole so you don't see dog butthole when you walk him. He also barks at weirdos and homeless people, which keeps the panhandlers from knocking on our window and bugging us red lights. He's just shitty at herding horses though he'd really like to be a herding dog.

Is there a moral to this story? Not really. It's more of a chance to bitch about how wonderful my boy Raleigh is. Have any family members like him?

thursday haiku

I smell her perfume
on my hand and keep dreaming
all is as it was.